If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
