I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
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