Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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