i love accidental penises.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
