god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
