If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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