Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
