Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
