I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
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