I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
