Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
