Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Couch. On fire.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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