a queef is a wish your heart makes.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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