woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
