Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Be still, my beating vagina.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
