i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
