I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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