U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Randomize
