Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
