I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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