dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
