My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
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