i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
