I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
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