On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
