You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
