fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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