Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
