Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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