I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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