the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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