I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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