I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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