Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
