Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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