I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
