a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
