Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
