just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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