I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
