I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
