I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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