you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
