Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
