I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
