dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
