Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
