I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
