that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
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