Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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