It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
